Give the baby to us. You
are too naïve to take care of the newborn.
You don’t even know how
to swaddle a baby!?
Her marriage is falling
apart because of the baby. I think her husband is cheating on her.
She is so weird;
doesn’t socialize at all and the way she holds her baby girl… as if somebody is
going to hijack her!
The other day, she was
breastfeeding her son in a restaurant. How very inappropriate!?
Do as I say. I have
raised five children including your husband.
Such whispers, interference,
highlights and limelight are endless in the life of a newbie mommie. The
audiences include parents, in-laws, friends, relatives and strangers and they are,
all together, the die-hard fans (critics) of your motherhood. Your baby takes
the center stage indeed but the spotlight is on you. They review you based on
your performance and sometimes, they act like those hyperactive judges of any
popular reality show. They want to know the breaking news, such as “how you
reduced so much so soon, if your sex life is back on track after a vaginal
delivery, you should quit your job, you are not doing enough, you should not
breastfeed so often and in the worst case scenario, they put you under scrutiny
about who the real father of your baby is!” You cannot shun them literally nor
can you shut yourself.
I am a new kid in the
block; mother of a six-month old baby girl. I wanted to write this article for a
long time but I was taken hostage by the ever melodramatic postpartum
depression. Now that I am back in the game with the same passion and
imagination, it is important that I share certain experiences of mine and some of
my friends with the amazing new moms.
I always prefer the
door closed when I breastfeed my baby and I was doing so one evening when my
own aunt barged into the room without knocking. She was excited to see my baby
nicely latched onto my left breast. However, she had to show her old wives’
wisdom. She took my right hand, placed and pressed it on my breast saying, "Hold it this way like a cigarette for a good flow of milk.” I got infuriated; isn’t
breastfeeding a very private affair? Besides, she could have said that plainly
without physically maneuvering me. I had to calm myself down for the baby. All
I did was firmly tell my aunt that ‘cigarette hold’ was a wrong practice, which reasonably unaware mothers have been displaying for centuries. http://www.parenting.com/article/breastfeeding-problems-and-solutions
The even more histrionic
comments came from none other than my two maid servants, one of whom came to me
and said, “didi, apne aadmi ke samne
bacchi ko doodh mat pilao. doodh aana bandh ho jayega”. (Sister, do not
breastfeed the baby in front of your husband. The milk flow will stop). Another
maid declared in a daunting tone, “didi,
bacchi ka mundan karna nahin toh shadi ke time baal mein sona baandhke dena
padega” (Sister, follow the traditional Hindu custom and cut your baby
girl’s hair or you will have to tie gold pieces on her hair at the time of her
marriage). In ancient times, the woman was associated with moveable assets like
gold, whether it was given for the dowry or acquired from the husband’s family.
So, the maid’s remark was a far future indication of a glittering dowry when my six-month old girl becomes a woman. Since the day I have become a mother, I have
been listening to unsolicited gyaan
from all kinds of people across Indian communities. The core issue is they
think they are authorized to do so.
Once, we (a group of
couples with children and some singles) had a get-together at a resto-bar in
Mumbai. We were arguing about the physical appearance of babies when a general
statement was made by a well-educated liberal friend that the baby must resemble
his/her father as a proof that he or she is a product of his own sperm. I was
emotionally terrified by the comment; it reflected the disgusting mindset of
Indian society at large. All I did was diplomatically distance myself from
that friend and people like her.
And then there were a
few acquaintances who I knew through my friends. One day, I got a very
concerned phone call from one of them, “Your best friend’s husband is having
an affair with a hot colleague. I think your friend is highly occupied with her
little twins nowadays… that’s why maybe! By the way, your husband also knows
that chick very well.” Well, that was a fishy phone call meant for me to keep
an eye on my husband too. That call made me feel vulnerable for many days and
nights. I tried hard to control my emotions and ultimately opened up my heart to
my husband. That incident taught me to filter certain types of people and their
back-fence talks from my life. And as an individual, I do not bother about
maintaining good relations with everyone.
“Come on bhabhi, go for
one more child. You should have at least two; you have crossed 35”, my best
friend’s sister-in-law provokes her every day. “He is a boon from Lord Krishna
to me. You were just a medium to carry him in your womb”, my morning walk
friend’s mother-in-law claims over the phone from Delhi. “Do not breastfeed
after 11 o’clock in the night. Do not cuddle your baby so often; she will
become stubborn. Why did you give her a Muslim name (We have named our daughter
Subira)? Invest in a child plan policy right now for her education and marriage. Eat
chicken recipes everyday; it will help heal the uterus as well as secrete more
milk. Better put a Copper-T deep down there or you will end up having babies. Your
baby cries a lot because your milk is not sufficient. I hate your belly; your
stretch marks give me nightmares.”
Unfortunately, my mommie-friends
and I have been moaning under this intruding limelight since long. The questions
arise in my mind: what can be the most effective method to ignore such people?
How do we shut their crap in one stare or sentence? Why do they become so
greedy and keep poking us? From which heaven do the myths of parenting and
breastfeeding descend on Earth? The answer is to be firm and straight forward
when it comes to your baby and your role as a mother. Look into the well
wisher’s eyes and say, “I prefer to do it this way and I know what I am doing.”
Speak what you must.
Face the reality that you are being watched. Do not be surprised to hear a
thrilling version of your life (rather sex life) from a third party. Do not let
even an iota of cunningness discourage you. At last, in the limelight, what you
can do is learn the art of distinguishing genuine fans from the overexcited crowd. Enjoy
your motherhood while they do their bit in your baby’s life, play their pivotal
role as ‘the experienced ones’ and prove that they have been there and done
that.
- - Tapasya
