The Silence of the Womb

Today, I am clinging to my babyjaan out of fear. Fear of life's biggest farce known as Death. The rhythmic beating of her heart comforts me. I am no more bothered about taking a mother-daughter selfie.  I want to behold her precious smile forever; I am so scared even in my imagination of losing her out of my sight. There is so much to do and share that an entire lifetime is not enough and I strive to give my best to her- time, love, protection, education, fun and everything. I promise myself to acknowledge and cherish every moment that we have together IN THIS LIFE.

In the morning, I got informed that my cousin and his wife had lost their first newborn. After a while, I found a numbing courage to say, 'be strong'. I hate the hard-hitting irony of these two words. I don't know how I will offer my condolences to them. I have often found myself making moral and emotional fumbles in situations like these.  I don't make eye contact with people who have lost their loved one(s). I hug them but quickly pull back before I jump into the abyss of their eyes. Simply, because I am scared! My mother says that I lack conviction to accept the natural order of life, I sulk for ages at events which are beyond human control and also, instead of offering prayers I launch war against the God.

No, I don't fight with the God but he does seem distant and indifferent when a life is lost. You must have seen how a family gets supercharged to welcome a newborn. Many of you must have felt the kicks and heard the heartbeats inside your body. You must have seen how your body prepares itself to give birth to a new life. What disturbs me most is the preparation for life which walks hand in hand with the randomness of death. Unfortunately, a mother's body only knows the preparation part hence, it does not compensate for the loss. She lactates, her breasts get full and she longs for the baby who is no more. She mourns for the silence of her womb. Ultimately, she accepts the reality and turns the leaf to write a new chapter of life.

My husband allows me to weep on his chest and as our breathing becomes almost one, I utter my decision of never bearing a (second) child again. He does not tell me to be strong; rather he caresses me to be at peace within. I am quiet but there is no peace. I accept my fear and vulnerability. I ask myself in turbulence, "why do we never give up on life!?" I am not talking about suicide, failure, never-ending struggles, samadhi and euthanasia, and at times when we fashionably say that I have achieved everything. I can rest in peace now. No, I am not talking about giving up on life like that. In DEVDUTT PATTANAIK'S My Gita Chapter 8, he talks about fear as a critical emotion which is essential in the struggle for life. Fear is a neuro-biological fact. It is the first emotion that manifests with the arrival of life. He says, "Fear of dying creates the restless urge to undertake extra efforts to find a mate, reproduce and risk death to raise an offspring, so that at least a part of the creature outlives death." But a mother whose womb is shattered and silenced and has lost the life, which once was breathing in her body, how do we bring her back to normalcy? How do we offer peace of mind to her? No amount of updesha, karmic gyaan and yoga can help her 100%. DEVDUTT'S theme on fear stands true in this case from a patriarchal point of view. The cycle of birth and death is necessary to restore balance on earth and to create generation(s). The womb does acknowledge that 'a life lost can be replaced by a life born'. It can fill the silence of the womb with a pulse of hope. But it is too frightened to be the source of life again and this is a never-ending dilemma of the womb.

MAMA MIA… YEH KYA HO GAYA! The Adventures of Motherhood

The other day I sat down to track photographs and activities on my Instagram account and holy cow!!! There were pictures of our baby from birth to growing into a toddler, from pooping to clay modeling and dancing to sleeping, and what not! There were many pictures of the baby and hardly a few of me and my man. That’s when I realized that I’ve been tripping over mamarazzi since the baby’s arrival in our life. You know life is full of contradictions. We wanted a baby so we planned for one and we are very happy, indeed. But at times when the baby troubles me left, right and center, I curse my husband’s sperms for making me pregnant. Oh and then the decision to quit my full-time writing career to undertake the adventures of motherhood. Trust me it’s a different ballgame altogether; tougher than THE HUNGER GAMES. 

(Confession: my gynecologist had warned my husband to never let me quit my job else I would make his life miserable).  

So, all the mamas and papas out there, read on and enjoy the adventure.  

#1. Breastfeeding: Mother’s milk is far richer and healthier than the Somras, believe me. The Devas and the Danavas would not have stolen nor fought for the Somras had they been well-fed on the amrit called Mother’s milk. You know the biggest and the weirdest thing is that even strangers can make out by looking at the fully loaded boobs that you are a breastfeeding woman and they stare you so hard that you wish your GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY were there to protect your ‘milky way’. And then there are these agony aunts who are by-default appointed to impart some gyaan on motherhood because they’ve been there and done that. 50% of their advice is based on some ancient taboo or superstition. Don’t feel offended but don’t give a damn about it too. The worst ever advice was given to me by none other than our maid servant, “didi, aadmi ke samne bacchi ko doodh mat pilao varna doodh aana band ho jayega (Sister, don’t breastfeed the baby in front of your husband else the milk-flow will stop).” And that my friends, is called a totally unsolicited bullshit. Anyway, the baby is off my milk now and the weaning was physically and emotionally draining. But she has developed her own concept about milk. She’d lift the tetrapack of Nestle A+ milk and ask, “isme mama ka dudu hai (Is there mama’s milk in it)?”

# 2. Have you done enough?: The whole universe gets after your life the moment your offspring pops out from your womb. From family, friends and relatives to well-wishers and strangers- they all keep bugging till you’ve accomplished the to-do list. By literally being at your baby’s command to finishing off the daily household chores, you are not allowed any breathing space till you’ve done enough. And just when you feel satisfied at the end of the day, your husband comes and strikes a final blow, sara din karti kya ho (What do you do the whole day)? I’d say, “Main kuch nahin karti. Kyun ke, Parachute karta hai na complete care, protect and repair (I simply chill because Parachute Advanced is there to take care of all your needs).” https://www.youtube.com/watchv=IgNIFbAbZf4  You know who is the biggest culprit of it all? It’s your own sense of guilt, which at times push you off the limit. Motherhood is all about endurance from week 1 of gestation till you breathe your last. Don’t fill it with guilt, rather do your best to give this world the human it needs. I have developed this unique camaraderie with my mommie and mother-in-law and deep respect for every mother in the world after becoming one. I apologize to my parents, especially to my Maa for being such a melodramatic child and a pain in the ass. (For the record, my man doesn’t care if the food is not ready and the house is decorated with my undies. Not because I have written ‘don’t mess with me’ on my forehead but because he understands the intricacy of parenting).

#3. The Ugly Truth: The baby bestows her love upon anybody who is quick to meet her demands and disregards those who say NO to her. “The simplest toy, one which even the youngest child can operate, is called a grandparent”, says Sam Levenson. We all know what an incredible bond grand kids share with their grandparents! However, this bond needs some fine-tuning. While grandparents relive their childhood in the company of grand kids, I ask them to not just pamper the child but give him a dose of their wisdom (I call it a legacy) at regular intervals. Family members and relatives also need to beware of their growing excitement for the newborn as new mothers go through tremendous hormonal havoc and PPD (Post Partum Depression) after delivering the baby. Just how the mommie provides comfort and a sense of security to her child, she also needs it by being close to the baby. So, don’t snatch the newly hatched small wonder from her. Allow them both to recover from this rather sweet melancholy by being in each other’s warmth.

#4. Nightmares: It’s amazing to see how a tiny, human look-alike creature turns your world upside down. I have always liked my husband’s long, thick, black, noodle-like hairstyle but I asked him to cut it because the baby would often give him a suspicious look. “Help! My baby is drowning, she is in the middle of the road with fast moving traffic, somebody kidnapped my baby, she is alone in the dark, she is about to fall from a cliff, an alligator is gulping down my baby… Help!!!” Nightmares took a toll on me for nearly one year after delivery and still keep haunting like those stupid sequels and remakes of bollywood movies. I am sure most of the mothers can relate to this, maybe we share some common nightmares too. My father-in-law is a big fan of CRIME PATROL, a show on Sony TV that features heinous crimes that take place in India. He would often tell me to be very careful, get a camera fixed in the house and advise against travelling in public transport. He would make my mom-in-law describe any latest episode to make his point very clear to me. And all I say is No Objection, Milord! I am on ‘high alert’ since the day I have become a mother.

#5. Make Love, Not Babies: Two to three babies are a must. Your second offspring is a gift to your first child. Don’t have sex for three months to heal from the exhaustive birthing process. A 40-day stay at your mother’s house is mandatory. One thing that you are going to hear for the next sixty-seventy years of your life is, ‘do it for the sake of your children'. Who do you think will be responsible for our overall performance during the ICC T20 World Cup 2016? It’s your overwhelmed mothers and aunts and of course you, if you don’t take charge of your game, now! Their intention is as pure as pinni ke ladoo- laden with desi ghee and dry-fruits. And this is also the time when you need your mother the most. But you, my dear mommies, certainly have needs and longing to be with your husband who is your baby’s daddy too. Don’t just feed your body with maa ke haath ka khana. Rather provide the nourishment it needs- of love and intimacy from your partner. And don’t forget your BFF hormone Oxytocin, which might heal you faster than you think.

Motherhood is a classic example of ‘No Pain, No Gain’. For a mother, the whole world revolves around her kids. She is forever attached to her child through an invisible umbilical cord. And sometimes it becomes very difficult for her and the baby’s father to deal with this overwhelming phase of life. I am a very protective mama too, always on toes, doing something or the other for my daughter and never leaving her side no matter what. So while I celebrate my motherhood, I also acknowledge the fact that the father may not be physically present all the time. He may not appear as excited. His ways around the baby may seem harsh but he is like BATMAN- a silent guardian, a watchful protector who will always be there when the need arises.  

New Mommies in the Spotlight

Give the baby to us. You are too naïve to take care of the newborn.

You don’t even know how to swaddle a baby!?

Her marriage is falling apart because of the baby. I think her husband is cheating on her.

She is so weird; doesn’t socialize at all and the way she holds her baby girl… as if somebody is going to hijack her!

The other day, she was breastfeeding her son in a restaurant. How very inappropriate!?

Do as I say. I have raised five children including your husband.

Such whispers, interference, highlights and limelight are endless in the life of a newbie mommie. The audiences include parents, in-laws, friends, relatives and strangers and they are, all together, the die-hard fans (critics) of your motherhood. Your baby takes the center stage indeed but the spotlight is on you. They review you based on your performance and sometimes, they act like those hyperactive judges of any popular reality show. They want to know the breaking news, such as “how you reduced so much so soon, if your sex life is back on track after a vaginal delivery, you should quit your job, you are not doing enough, you should not breastfeed so often and in the worst case scenario, they put you under scrutiny about who the real father of your baby is!” You cannot shun them literally nor can you shut yourself.

I am a new kid in the block; mother of a six-month old baby girl. I wanted to write this article for a long time but I was taken hostage by the ever melodramatic postpartum depression. Now that I am back in the game with the same passion and imagination, it is important that I share certain experiences of mine and some of my friends with the amazing new moms.

I always prefer the door closed when I breastfeed my baby and I was doing so one evening when my own aunt barged into the room without knocking. She was excited to see my baby nicely latched onto my left breast. However, she had to show her old wives’ wisdom. She took my right hand, placed and pressed it on my breast saying, "Hold it this way like a cigarette for a good flow of milk.” I got infuriated; isn’t breastfeeding a very private affair? Besides, she could have said that plainly without physically maneuvering me. I had to calm myself down for the baby. All I did was firmly tell my aunt that ‘cigarette hold’ was a wrong practice, which reasonably unaware mothers have been displaying for centuries. http://www.parenting.com/article/breastfeeding-problems-and-solutions

The even more histrionic comments came from none other than my two maid servants, one of whom came to me and said, “didi, apne aadmi ke samne bacchi ko doodh mat pilao. doodh aana bandh ho jayega”. (Sister, do not breastfeed the baby in front of your husband. The milk flow will stop). Another maid declared in a daunting tone, “didi, bacchi ka mundan karna nahin toh shadi ke time baal mein sona baandhke dena padega” (Sister, follow the traditional Hindu custom and cut your baby girl’s hair or you will have to tie gold pieces on her hair at the time of her marriage). In ancient times, the woman was associated with moveable assets like gold, whether it was given for the dowry or acquired from the husband’s family. So, the maid’s remark was a far future indication of a glittering dowry when my six-month old girl becomes a woman. Since the day I have become a mother, I have been listening to unsolicited gyaan from all kinds of people across Indian communities. The core issue is they think they are authorized to do so.

Once, we (a group of couples with children and some singles) had a get-together at a resto-bar in Mumbai. We were arguing about the physical appearance of babies when a general statement was made by a well-educated liberal friend that the baby must resemble his/her father as a proof that he or she is a product of his own sperm. I was emotionally terrified by the comment; it reflected the disgusting mindset of Indian society at large. All I did was diplomatically distance myself from that friend and people like her.

And then there were a few acquaintances who I knew through my friends. One day, I got a very concerned phone call from one of them, “Your best friend’s husband is having an affair with a hot colleague. I think your friend is highly occupied with her little twins nowadays… that’s why maybe! By the way, your husband also knows that chick very well.” Well, that was a fishy phone call meant for me to keep an eye on my husband too. That call made me feel vulnerable for many days and nights. I tried hard to control my emotions and ultimately opened up my heart to my husband. That incident taught me to filter certain types of people and their back-fence talks from my life. And as an individual, I do not bother about maintaining good relations with everyone.

“Come on bhabhi, go for one more child. You should have at least two; you have crossed 35”, my best friend’s sister-in-law provokes her every day. “He is a boon from Lord Krishna to me. You were just a medium to carry him in your womb”, my morning walk friend’s mother-in-law claims over the phone from Delhi. “Do not breastfeed after 11 o’clock in the night. Do not cuddle your baby so often; she will become stubborn. Why did you give her a Muslim name (We have named our daughter Subira)? Invest in a child plan policy right now for her education and marriage. Eat chicken recipes everyday; it will help heal the uterus as well as secrete more milk. Better put a Copper-T deep down there or you will end up having babies. Your baby cries a lot because your milk is not sufficient. I hate your belly; your stretch marks give me nightmares.”

Unfortunately, my mommie-friends and I have been moaning under this intruding limelight since long. The questions arise in my mind: what can be the most effective method to ignore such people? How do we shut their crap in one stare or sentence? Why do they become so greedy and keep poking us? From which heaven do the myths of parenting and breastfeeding descend on Earth? The answer is to be firm and straight forward when it comes to your baby and your role as a mother. Look into the well wisher’s eyes and say, “I prefer to do it this way and I know what I am doing.”

Speak what you must. Face the reality that you are being watched. Do not be surprised to hear a thrilling version of your life (rather sex life) from a third party. Do not let even an iota of cunningness discourage you. At last, in the limelight, what you can do is learn the art of distinguishing genuine fans from the overexcited crowd. Enjoy your motherhood while they do their bit in your baby’s life, play their pivotal role as ‘the experienced ones’ and prove that they have been there and done that.

-         -  Tapasya